Tuesday, September 30, 2008
I MANDATE that you love Felipe Massa. Or at least that you respect him.
What are you doing right now? Nothing of importance. Direct your eyes to this Pitpass article immediately.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
F1 is a total headfuck..
Allow me to be rather blunt: F1 is a total headfuck. One minute you feel like you're on top of the world, the next as if you've been sucker-punched simultaneously by the entire paddock population. It's impossible to describe how ludicrous, surreal, and utterly crushing Singapore was. In the opening laps (in adherance to the dogma of Domenicalisme), I was feeling cautiously optimistic. Two hours later, however, I was wrapped up in bed in my Ferrari flag, unable to do anything but laugh till I cried at the memory of Massa's Ferrari rocketing down the pitlane with the fuel hose slithering after it, looking for all the world like a bright red dragon.
How on Earth could I laugh about something like that? Nothing about that fiasco was remotely amusing. But the whole incident was so bizarre... looking back it was almost comical. What transpired was so horribly wrong that it just didn't seem possible that it could actually could have taken place.
Yes, as you may have gleaned from my posts two weeks ago (depending on how astute/patient you were), the Singapore Grand Prix fell apart for Ferrari during Massa's first pitstop. Somehow someone gave Massa the green and... well, we're all aware of what happened next. I won't name any names, as I know how distraught and guilty that person must feel (also because I have no name to give because Luca di won't tell us who it was).
Unfortunately, this deplorable event led to a drive-through penalty for Massa (unsafe release) ensuring he'd finish outside the points. Yet again Kimi Raikkonen put the car in the wall mere laps from the chequers while running in fourth. And these combined saw Felipe drop seven points behind Lewis Hamilton in the WDC standings and Ferrari lose the lead in the fight for the Constructor's title.
Well, the start of the 2008 Japanese Grand Prix is exactly thirty-five minutes away. I've had my pre-race drink. My pockets are stuffed with Jolly Ranchers. And I'm nervous. Although Kimi's second on the grid, Felipe's not quite were I'd like him to be (he qualified fifth, rather than first). We've brought back the lollipop man of old in favor of the light system, but whenever we have to pit, I get so nervous..
Anyways, time to head over to Mark's friend's place. Forza Ferrari; forza Felipe; Kimi.
Question?
While I'm still tipsy, I wanna know...
Reader in Hopkins, who are you? Do I know you? Because you read a lot. And that pleases me immensely. :) So thanks!
Reader in Hopkins, who are you? Do I know you? Because you read a lot. And that pleases me immensely. :) So thanks!
Podium...
Did they just call him "Flava Flav?" Because I would laugh at that all day.
Also, Hamilton, Sr., don't manhandle my driver's family! Your son already makes his son significantly uncomfortable!
Also, Hamilton, Sr., don't manhandle my driver's family! Your son already makes his son significantly uncomfortable!
Alonso; The Marseillaise
Okay, I'll admit. I'm happy for Alonso. He's a determined guy. So, well, done. Maybe, (just maybe) I might bury the hatchet with you, Eyebrow Man.
Oh, i just had a moment... "Why the hell are they playing the Marseillaise?" Because Renault's a French team. Duhh...
Oh, i just had a moment... "Why the hell are they playing the Marseillaise?" Because Renault's a French team. Duhh...
ARGH!
OMG, Kimi did put the car in the wall. At exactly the wrong time. :( Should had drunk the whole litre this morning.
Singapore: Lap by lap (If you like rambling and partisanship, this post is for you!)
51) Massa still lookin' good, despite lodged debris. Raikkonen catching up on Lewser. Catch him, Kimi!
51) Hamilton possibly fryin' the tyres. Let's hope.
50) Raikkonen drives "a stout lap." Thanks, David Hobbs. :)
CB (Commercial Break): Some highlights so far? Kazu's keeping Fernando behind him masterfully. Both he and Rosberg have gone past Trulli (which is kinda sad for me, but also kinda happy. I love both Trulli and Rosberg). Massa still keeping Hamilton well behind him.
49) Alonso in the pits. Raikkonen still hunting down Hamilton. Reel him in, Kimi! Ive got a vodka Red Bull in my hand for you. Yeah, that's right, it is only 7:27 am.
48) Massa resets fast lap. +7.230s lead over Hamilton.
48) Bourdais runs off. :(
47) Piquet into the wall. Is he gonna freak out!? No, but what does he say?: "Sorry, guys." Barichello in and the Red Bulls are stackin'.
46) Berndt Maylander is running around the track. Pit lane's closed. Piquet's out of the car and heading for the exit. Run, Nelsinho, run! Rosberg in; will have to take a penalty. Good stop. For fuel... or a puncture?
46) Barichello is out. Mech problem or outta fuel? Was gonna say a DNF'd be bad for his hopes to keep his race seat, but since FA's staying at Renault..
45) Kubica has to refuel under safety car. 10s time penalty.
45) Barichello is pushed back to the pits. We see Stefano Domenicali. I love him. Wish I could marry him.
45) I'm buzzed, guys. Had that drink and a shot.
45) Might start seeing stacking. But the lane's open now!
44) Massa pits! Go, go, Fi!
44) Raikkonen in. Felipe drives off with fuel hose! Fuel hose is jammed! Under SC again. Car may be close to overheating! The last thing we need!
44) Felipe finally out. Will the engine be okay, though!? It's the light system. Shit. Shit. Shit.
43) Hamilton out ninth? What's going on?
43) Rosberg first behind safety car, followed by Trulli, Fisi in third. Kubica practically leading. Bourdais pits.
43) FUCK.
43) Massa +8.545 behind leader. So pissed. And at Ferrari no less. That makes me sad.
41) Hamilton is gonna say words. And that makes me sad too.
41) Can we possibly get Massa a Bullet? Mario Kart Singapore, anyone? Runs wide on paint. :( At least the engine is holding up.
CB: Guys! Why!? Why does this happen? Are you kidding me?! !!! Also, I'm pretty much totally drunk atm.
39) Rosberg still leads.
39) Massa under investigation. Penalty imminent. :( Rosberg may be penalised too.
38) Kubica gonna get a penalty for refueling under SC.
38) Drive-through for Massa. Sad! Fi, you're still my fave.
37) I want Ferrari to get it together. At least for the rest of the season. And DEFINITELY for next season.
37) Massa takes his DT. Now go, go, go!!!
37) Nico has stop-go penalty. Needs to push. Could he win this?
36) Hamilton still in 8th. Could he just crash out, please? Stuff it, you dolt!
36) This whole thing is good for Alonso. Fuck, why do I now have sympathy for Alonso!? This day just gets harder and harder. Am not gonna cry today, though.
CB: Kimi's still back in 15th. Should I drink more? Rosberg's got 19.4s on Fisi. So minus the stop-go, that puts him where? Ugh.
34) Kubica in for stop-go penalty.
34) Massa behind Bourdais. Is teh uber sad.
34) Webbo off. Loses four positions. Hamilton up to 8th now. Fuck him!!
33) Renault tells us, "Fernando, we're not 100% sure what's happening." Lol. Nico in for penalty? I dunno...
33) Rosberg rejoins in fourth after Alonso. Yay!
32) Hamilton on DC's gearbox. Sadness.
32) Fisi pits. DC, take Lewis out! I will give you eight pennies!
32) Fisi adds a ton of fuel. Raikkonen up to 13th, Massa up to 16th.
32) Webbo retires. May have broken something on the kerb.
31) Trulli is race leader. At least I can rejoice in that. He's up ten spots.
30) In case anyone cared, Jenson Button is in tenth; our funnyman Kovalainen in 11th. I don't really know why he's the funnyman. I'm pretty drunk.
30) Massa passed by Kubica for 15th. :(
30) Fi pits. Go, go, go, hun!
30) If Massa has engine problems, that's bad. We've already used our free engine change. Oh, wait, Bob Varsha just told me he gets his next one for next race.
29) Trulli sets fast lap! Massa needs a safety car. Seb, could you provide one?
29) Hamilton up to 5th. Wanna punch him in the FACE. Trulli pits, btw. Going onto the super softs. Comes out ahead of Kaz in 8th. Kaz gets him, but Trulli fights back.
28) Alonso leads. He met a possum? Well, good for him!
CB: Fact: Actually, no possums are present. Maybe that gopher can come for Hamilton's tyre now. Any gophers vacationing in Singapore, please report to the track.
25) Alonso could win. I think he's an ass.
24) :( Hamilton in 4th. God, can you just smite him!? Or Kimi, can you put the car in the wall? Please?
23) Kaz pipped Trulli? Qu'est-qui se passe?
CB: Kimpaa pipped Trulli. Thanks, you. I'm talking to Matt. I miss him. So Matt, if you're reading this, I miss you much. I hope you have fun in Bologna. Eat some pates bolognese for me. :)
21) Rosberg in 7th. Alonso getting pret to pit. Could actually win this one. Would I be happy? I dunno! Maybe! Argh!
20) Alonso in. 7.6s pitstop. Smmooth.
20) DC! FUCK YOU! Hamilton now in 2nd. You bastard! Both of you!
20) Hamilton still has to pit. Bin it, you idiot!
19) More fuel rig shit for DC. More mechanics go down. That poor Ferrari guy. For realz, first hit by Kimi, then jerked around by Massa; now DC's guy takes a beating.
19) McLaren International is made up of a bunch of heartless, cold robots. And stop thinking you're a football team. Call yourself McLaren-Mercedes and stop putting on airs.
18) Kimppa in 6th. Does he need to pit again?
18) Kimi, I wanna see your late race push! Now! Now! NOW!
17) Kimi in 4th. I love you! You're my Finnish guy! Please do well!
CB: Why can't I major in F1? I know so much. I really would love to work in that sector of industry. What is it? Tertiary, military, F1? I don't think that's right..
14) Brakes going bad for DC. Whatever happened to Vettel?
13) Glock to 5th and my buddy Vettel in 7th.
13) Kovi fastest through Speed Trap.
12) Kimi in 3rd? Is he one-stopppin'? J'ais pas.
12) Kimppa has to stop. :( SADDDDDD. Need a good stop, Ferrari, don't fail me again.
11) Trulli fucks up a bit in Anderson Bridge. Kimi Raikkonen in pits. He's so hot. Please, guys, gimme some fuel well.
11) Ugh, HamBoy in 3rd, Kimi 6th. But we're a Ferrari, let's get it done!
10) Massa needed a safety car. And he makes one. Massa hits wall, Sutil follows him. Still love you, Fi. You're my hero.
CB: Did Sutil lock up? Well, at any rate, he cocked-up. What's going on? This is difficult to follow when you are inebriated.
NB:Don't mix yourself a 50/50 drink at 7:00 am.. It'll fuck you up and you'll cry when your team fucks up.
There are people at my house. I only know like two of them. It's hard to be myself and watch the race like I normally would. You know I've got this Ferrari passion going on. Let's look at the bright side, though. We could walk away with the constructor's championship.
BUT IT'S NOT WHAT I WANT!!
09) RAI in 5th. Mwah!
09) I loves Kimi. Go, Alonso, go! Hamilton right on Rosberg's gearbox.
8) There's no one I hate more than Lewis Hamilton.
08) Kimi, get that TOYOTA! TOYOTA! TOYOTA!
07) Okay, maybe I might throw support behind dear Ferdinand (:)).
04) Three laps left. Hold off Hamilton, Nico!!
04) Kimi into the wall. FUCK. THIS. SHIT. :( All bets are off on my crying. Yeah, I am definitely gonna bawl. :(
03) Ferrari will now be behind McLaren in the constructor's championship. 135 to 134. :(
01) Alonso's bagged it, unless something goes terribly wrong. Good on ya, boy-o.
FLAG: Provisional Results:
01) Alonso
02) Rosberg
03) Hamilton
GLO
VET
HEI
COU
NAK
BUT
KOV
KUB
BOU
MAS
FIS
Alonso! He's hand-talking! Whoa, I never knew he was one!
51) Hamilton possibly fryin' the tyres. Let's hope.
50) Raikkonen drives "a stout lap." Thanks, David Hobbs. :)
CB (Commercial Break): Some highlights so far? Kazu's keeping Fernando behind him masterfully. Both he and Rosberg have gone past Trulli (which is kinda sad for me, but also kinda happy. I love both Trulli and Rosberg). Massa still keeping Hamilton well behind him.
49) Alonso in the pits. Raikkonen still hunting down Hamilton. Reel him in, Kimi! Ive got a vodka Red Bull in my hand for you. Yeah, that's right, it is only 7:27 am.
48) Massa resets fast lap. +7.230s lead over Hamilton.
48) Bourdais runs off. :(
47) Piquet into the wall. Is he gonna freak out!? No, but what does he say?: "Sorry, guys." Barichello in and the Red Bulls are stackin'.
46) Berndt Maylander is running around the track. Pit lane's closed. Piquet's out of the car and heading for the exit. Run, Nelsinho, run! Rosberg in; will have to take a penalty. Good stop. For fuel... or a puncture?
46) Barichello is out. Mech problem or outta fuel? Was gonna say a DNF'd be bad for his hopes to keep his race seat, but since FA's staying at Renault..
45) Kubica has to refuel under safety car. 10s time penalty.
45) Barichello is pushed back to the pits. We see Stefano Domenicali. I love him. Wish I could marry him.
45) I'm buzzed, guys. Had that drink and a shot.
45) Might start seeing stacking. But the lane's open now!
44) Massa pits! Go, go, Fi!
44) Raikkonen in. Felipe drives off with fuel hose! Fuel hose is jammed! Under SC again. Car may be close to overheating! The last thing we need!
44) Felipe finally out. Will the engine be okay, though!? It's the light system. Shit. Shit. Shit.
43) Hamilton out ninth? What's going on?
43) Rosberg first behind safety car, followed by Trulli, Fisi in third. Kubica practically leading. Bourdais pits.
43) FUCK.
43) Massa +8.545 behind leader. So pissed. And at Ferrari no less. That makes me sad.
41) Hamilton is gonna say words. And that makes me sad too.
41) Can we possibly get Massa a Bullet? Mario Kart Singapore, anyone? Runs wide on paint. :( At least the engine is holding up.
CB: Guys! Why!? Why does this happen? Are you kidding me?! !!! Also, I'm pretty much totally drunk atm.
39) Rosberg still leads.
39) Massa under investigation. Penalty imminent. :( Rosberg may be penalised too.
38) Kubica gonna get a penalty for refueling under SC.
38) Drive-through for Massa. Sad! Fi, you're still my fave.
37) I want Ferrari to get it together. At least for the rest of the season. And DEFINITELY for next season.
37) Massa takes his DT. Now go, go, go!!!
37) Nico has stop-go penalty. Needs to push. Could he win this?
36) Hamilton still in 8th. Could he just crash out, please? Stuff it, you dolt!
36) This whole thing is good for Alonso. Fuck, why do I now have sympathy for Alonso!? This day just gets harder and harder. Am not gonna cry today, though.
CB: Kimi's still back in 15th. Should I drink more? Rosberg's got 19.4s on Fisi. So minus the stop-go, that puts him where? Ugh.
34) Kubica in for stop-go penalty.
34) Massa behind Bourdais. Is teh uber sad.
34) Webbo off. Loses four positions. Hamilton up to 8th now. Fuck him!!
33) Renault tells us, "Fernando, we're not 100% sure what's happening." Lol. Nico in for penalty? I dunno...
33) Rosberg rejoins in fourth after Alonso. Yay!
32) Hamilton on DC's gearbox. Sadness.
32) Fisi pits. DC, take Lewis out! I will give you eight pennies!
32) Fisi adds a ton of fuel. Raikkonen up to 13th, Massa up to 16th.
32) Webbo retires. May have broken something on the kerb.
31) Trulli is race leader. At least I can rejoice in that. He's up ten spots.
30) In case anyone cared, Jenson Button is in tenth; our funnyman Kovalainen in 11th. I don't really know why he's the funnyman. I'm pretty drunk.
30) Massa passed by Kubica for 15th. :(
30) Fi pits. Go, go, go, hun!
30) If Massa has engine problems, that's bad. We've already used our free engine change. Oh, wait, Bob Varsha just told me he gets his next one for next race.
29) Trulli sets fast lap! Massa needs a safety car. Seb, could you provide one?
29) Hamilton up to 5th. Wanna punch him in the FACE. Trulli pits, btw. Going onto the super softs. Comes out ahead of Kaz in 8th. Kaz gets him, but Trulli fights back.
28) Alonso leads. He met a possum? Well, good for him!
CB: Fact: Actually, no possums are present. Maybe that gopher can come for Hamilton's tyre now. Any gophers vacationing in Singapore, please report to the track.
25) Alonso could win. I think he's an ass.
24) :( Hamilton in 4th. God, can you just smite him!? Or Kimi, can you put the car in the wall? Please?
23) Kaz pipped Trulli? Qu'est-qui se passe?
CB: Kimpaa pipped Trulli. Thanks, you. I'm talking to Matt. I miss him. So Matt, if you're reading this, I miss you much. I hope you have fun in Bologna. Eat some pates bolognese for me. :)
21) Rosberg in 7th. Alonso getting pret to pit. Could actually win this one. Would I be happy? I dunno! Maybe! Argh!
20) Alonso in. 7.6s pitstop. Smmooth.
20) DC! FUCK YOU! Hamilton now in 2nd. You bastard! Both of you!
20) Hamilton still has to pit. Bin it, you idiot!
19) More fuel rig shit for DC. More mechanics go down. That poor Ferrari guy. For realz, first hit by Kimi, then jerked around by Massa; now DC's guy takes a beating.
19) McLaren International is made up of a bunch of heartless, cold robots. And stop thinking you're a football team. Call yourself McLaren-Mercedes and stop putting on airs.
18) Kimppa in 6th. Does he need to pit again?
18) Kimi, I wanna see your late race push! Now! Now! NOW!
17) Kimi in 4th. I love you! You're my Finnish guy! Please do well!
CB: Why can't I major in F1? I know so much. I really would love to work in that sector of industry. What is it? Tertiary, military, F1? I don't think that's right..
14) Brakes going bad for DC. Whatever happened to Vettel?
13) Glock to 5th and my buddy Vettel in 7th.
13) Kovi fastest through Speed Trap.
12) Kimi in 3rd? Is he one-stopppin'? J'ais pas.
12) Kimppa has to stop. :( SADDDDDD. Need a good stop, Ferrari, don't fail me again.
11) Trulli fucks up a bit in Anderson Bridge. Kimi Raikkonen in pits. He's so hot. Please, guys, gimme some fuel well.
11) Ugh, HamBoy in 3rd, Kimi 6th. But we're a Ferrari, let's get it done!
10) Massa needed a safety car. And he makes one. Massa hits wall, Sutil follows him. Still love you, Fi. You're my hero.
CB: Did Sutil lock up? Well, at any rate, he cocked-up. What's going on? This is difficult to follow when you are inebriated.
NB:Don't mix yourself a 50/50 drink at 7:00 am.. It'll fuck you up and you'll cry when your team fucks up.
There are people at my house. I only know like two of them. It's hard to be myself and watch the race like I normally would. You know I've got this Ferrari passion going on. Let's look at the bright side, though. We could walk away with the constructor's championship.
BUT IT'S NOT WHAT I WANT!!
09) RAI in 5th. Mwah!
09) I loves Kimi. Go, Alonso, go! Hamilton right on Rosberg's gearbox.
8) There's no one I hate more than Lewis Hamilton.
08) Kimi, get that TOYOTA! TOYOTA! TOYOTA!
07) Okay, maybe I might throw support behind dear Ferdinand (:)).
04) Three laps left. Hold off Hamilton, Nico!!
04) Kimi into the wall. FUCK. THIS. SHIT. :( All bets are off on my crying. Yeah, I am definitely gonna bawl. :(
03) Ferrari will now be behind McLaren in the constructor's championship. 135 to 134. :(
01) Alonso's bagged it, unless something goes terribly wrong. Good on ya, boy-o.
FLAG: Provisional Results:
01) Alonso
02) Rosberg
03) Hamilton
GLO
VET
HEI
COU
NAK
BUT
KOV
KUB
BOU
MAS
FIS
Alonso! He's hand-talking! Whoa, I never knew he was one!
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