Saturday, October 18, 2008

The Official Scrutineering Chinese Grand Prix Lap-to-Lap Report

Well, it's the Chinese Grand Prix today. Here in Minneapolis, it's 1:40 am and the weather in China (as far as I can tell) looks overcast but dry, with a chance of Peter Windsor. I'd like to dedicate this lap-to-lap report to Speed's Bob Varsha, who is in Las Vegas right now covering the Barrett-Jackson something-or-other, read: "something-or-other which is definitely not as cool as the Chinese Grand Prix."

1:45: Changes to the grid position are as follow: Mark Webber (Red Bull) drops down to 16th position following an engine change, and Nick Heidfeld will start from 9th on the grid after faulting DC in qualifying yesterday.

1:50: They're showing me Felipe Massa! And now a vignette of all the terrible things that McLaren has done to Ferrari. And all the terrible things that have happened to Ferrari.

2:00: Formation lap is just getting underway. Fernando Alonso, who I have come to love (while inebriated - I don't think I can have any original opinion on Alonso unless I am drunk), is 4th on the grid. I love it! I feel like I have three drivers in a row separateing Hamilton and Kovalainen. Try and help Lewis now, Heikki! Ha!

1:52: Now they have a "Who wants it less?" chart. It's making me sad! If Bob Varsha was here, he'd say something excellent, as he possesses an exemplary vocabulary!

1:55: Win or lose, I'm having a Ferrari party/brawl. There's going to be vodka. And Brazilian food. And a party remix of the Italian national anthem. And I'm going to take the fight to a pinata shaped like Ron Dennis' head.

1:57: Yes, that's right. I may have just referred to Luca di as "the newest cannonized saint." Yes, he has that much integrity.

56: HAM, RAI, MAS hold position, Alonso and KOV scrapping for fourth.

55: Rain expected around lap 14. Hamilton pulling away.

I can't keep this up! I've gotta watch! Check back in later!

CB: UGH, smug Lewis is pulling out a lead over my Ferraris. Alonso has just stated over the radio "I can go as fast as the Ferrari!" which is both silly and not encouraging, and Jarno Trulli is out of the race after a collision at the start with Seb Bourdais.

49: Can it be Kimi Time right away? I needz it. :(

48: +7.311 second lead from Hamilton to Massa. SAD.

47: Webber and Piquet duke it out. Piquet was bringing it to him!! For a minute... In other areas, Massa's tyres are lookin' good. Hope to God Lewis bins it. Ugh, smug, arrogant jerk.

46: Raikkonen's now running a little faster than Hamilton. That would be bitchin' if he could catch him.. And it's Fastest Lap Kimi, complete with adorable blue eyes! :) (Yes, I can be girly sometimes and go nuts over his cute eyes.)

45: Fastest sector times all around for Hamilton, Massa, and Raikkonen!

44: Hamilton's gone sideways. Hope he's doing a number on those tyres... Jerk!

42: Massa in pits! Go, boys, go! Whew, no mistakes.
Alonso pits, as well. BBFLS! Hamilton coming in to pit.
Sutil! Sutil! Stalled at exit to turn 16!
Yay, clean stop Raikkonen! Sweet-ass!

41: Sutil is out. :( Oh, nee!

40: Kovalainen inherits race lead.

39: Heidfeld in pits. 8.3 seconds! REjoins in front of Glock.
ARRGH, I hate Lewis Hamilton.
Just took a drink. Hopefully that kick-starts Kimi time.

38: Kovalainen pits, as does Vettel. Kovalainen does NOT beat Alonso onto the track. YESSSS! But oh NEE, it looks hazy. Rain would suck lots.

CB: Cute Ferrari pic!

35: Heikki has six laps more fuel than Alonso. Hmmm. Alonso's hands look funny. Massa is looking slow, despite being lighter. I'm nervous. I'm very nervous. I'm downright scared.

34: Kubica on a two-stop strategy.

33: Flav is right. No one wants Hamilton to win. No one in their right mind.

32: You just happened to get a good car. You don't live in Afghanistan or Pakistan. What the HELL are we talking about SPEED?

31: Guys, there are like six more Ferrari pit stops this season. After this season ends I have to fins something to do with myself until THE END OF MARCH 2009! What am I gonna do!? I may have to take up knitting or scrapbooking. Ew.

29: Kimi Time dance! Arm waving!

28: I am PUMPED to beat the shit out of the that Ron Dennis pinata.

27: Massa needs to catch up with Kimi. Please. Please, guys. I can't afford to cry myself to sleep tonight.

CB: For realz, I know a lot about F1. Maybe too much. Okay, way too much. I m more invested in F1 than I am in most things. I know more about what's going on in F1 politics than I do in real politics. And that's why it's so important to this tifosi for Lewis Hamilton to not win.

24: Improper hand gestures by Kimi Raikkonen! That's right, flip the V to Fisi! Grrr, don't make my cars lose seconds!

22: Kovalainen lagging behind, as usual. McLaren must be kicking themselves. They coulda had Nick Heidfeld.

21: Heikki has tyre blow-out! Coming in to pit. Tyre fail! Down to 17th.

20: Alonso pits. MANDATES!

20: Felipe, I love ya. Just so you know.

CB: Cute picture of Felipe Massa FTW!

18: Ferraris and Ham-boy have pitted. Felipe's gained ground on Kimi. Down to just over 3 second gap!

17: Come on, Fi! Drive the wheels off that F2008, the prettiest car on the grid!

16: Massa needs a blue shell, says Mark. I think he needs a hug. *HUG*

15: Brake dust and disc glow on the McLaren. Maybe the wheels will just fall off. Fall off right now. Or turn into JELLY BEANS!

CB: Cute Felipe pic! Again!

12: A few laps left. Mm, I dunno, but push, push, push!

11: David Hobbs is making fun of Ferrari and team orders. Shut it! (But it's okay, because I like Hobbs.)

8: We're super close together! Ferrari, that is. :)

7: Felipe just passed Kimi. Thanks, Kimi. You are so nice. :) *HUGS!* Kovlainen pits again? Nope, he's parking it!

CB: Cute pic of Kimi Raikkonen, for bein' so nice!

4: Four laps left. Suspicions that Raikkonen may have a problem? And the conspiracy theories fly.. Ugh.

3: 16.285 s lead over Massa for Hamilton. Grrr. Massa will leave China for Brazil seven points behind Hamilton. Grrrr.

2: Why can't someone good win? Why can't Lewis just lose the tyres? WHY?!

1: Well, it's now or never. That McLaren needs to find its way into the wall or a gravel trap.

FLAG: Provisional Race Results.

1) HAM
2) MAS
3) RAI

No comments: