Andrew Davies. DO WANT.

For Berndt Maylander's army of fans (if you can call several people an army) it was a poor race.

Andrew Davies, ladies and gentlemen. Never fear, Scrutineering's not gone. We'll return once we hit Germany with all sorts of news about the GP de Monaco.

Good try, Dad.

Today my dad tried to answer this question from the Sidepodquiz:

What was the relationship between Ian Scheckter and Jody Scheckter?

My father's answer: It was the the same man with two separate identities.
Actual answer: Brothers.

Happy Easter, everyone.

I'm sure these were even funnier in Dutch..

I stumbled across this priceless website today. Somewhere in the Netherlands is a man with an intense dislike for Michael Schumacher and a lot of time on his hands. :)

What is Schumacher without his racing car???
As fast as a turtle!!!
...

Why is Schumacher his car yellow next year???
Because of his sponsor Chiquita Bananas.
...

Michael and Corinna are cosy picnicing. Somewhen there is only one biscuit left
Corrina: "Shall I break it in two pieces???"
Michael: "Oh no, I will eat it alone!!!"
...

Regenmeister Fail

For years Michael Schumacher has been lauded as "der Regenmeister." So can someone please explain to me how someone who has been recognized for his exceptional ability to maneuver a car in the wet could recommend putting full wet tyres on Kimi Raikkonen's F60 when it wasn't raining?! FAIL.

Andrew Davies, please come back!

Dear Andrew Davies,

Hope you're having a nice vacation. Please come back soon, because I don't think Pete Gill has any idea how Winners and Losers should work.

All best,
EK

Horoscope for the Malaysian GP

Capricorn (12/22-1/19)

It won't be an easy day for you, but it could be a very pivotal one. Hang in there.

Testament that everyone follows Kimi's examples...

No prizes for guessing to whom this recent tattoo belongs.

Welnee, dit kan niet.

Just a brief post, since I'm getting dinner ready and preparing to go out for a first-rate thrash, but what's going on with the lack of proofreading today on PlanetF1?! I've found three in the past three minutes!

I MANDATE... (Andrew Davies edition)

Just a follow-up on Team-Mate Wars...

YES! It was everything I thought it was going to be! How astute Andrew Davies is! Oh, and the vocabulary! Not quite on par with that of Bob Varsha, but then again I am hard-pressed to imagine Bob Varsha ever uttering the phrase "jinking about in the braking zones like some gangsta rappa bad boy" to describe Jarno Trulli's behavior in braking zones.

In short, you should worship Andrew Davies. That is, if you don't already.

Fan Girls for Journos?

Despite the fact that Frank Christensen authored the pre-season prediction article, Andrew Davies IS doing Team-Mate Wars in 2009! Ahhh, I'm ecstatic! I know that journalists usually don't have a fan following, but I am definitely Andrew Davies biggest fan girl, haha.

But why?

Why does this picture seem so oddly sad/funny? Please to explain...

A Brace of Force India can make anything better.

Ugh, a double retirement for Ferrari in Oz. What to do..? And what to say? By tomorrow everyone will be blabbing that the F60 has massive reliability issues or some nonsense, besides being behind the curve on the whole diffuser business. It's a little depressing. I've got to say that I'm proud of Felipe Massa. He was running a decent race. And KERS seems to be working out for him. Move over Rafaela, this is true love, lol. :) I'm sure, though, that we'll get this all sorted soon. We win and lose as a team and I know we can pull through this.

It's true, Brawn dominated the race from start to finish. Jens led every lap and Rubens very impressively fought through the field after one of the worst starts I've seen in a long time. Well, at least since David Coulthard, haha.












Yes, I've been a bit sour about Brawn, but I actually don't think I can be anymore. It would be a bit hypocritical for me to resent either of those drivers for getting such a good car, as I've been pressing for them to get the respect and drives they deserve for some time now. I distinctly remember lamenting Jenson's early accident at Monaco last year and rooting for him at Silverstone as my favorite British driver. And I think that Rubens just deserves to be happy for a bit. Overall, well done. They ran a great race and were so humble at the end. Plus Jenson Button's utter excitement at having won was really darling. Also Barrichello's lovableness at the press conference. Best part though was probably the Ross Brawn's all-black spandexy outfit, which seriously was ninja gear. Honestly, if you just gave him a mask, well... Yeah, I don't know exactly what ninjas do.. (What do they do?) Maybe Brawn will have to become my loyalty B team..

Other higlights of this race? Here they are, in reverse order of my excitement:

4. Peter Windsor's pre-race gridwalk.

Guys, honestly! How did I not see the comedic value in this before?! Essentially Peter Windsor just walks up and down the grid, aprehending personnel and drivers and popping into their conversations like the awkward kid in high school. Watching him try to get drivers to chat with him was hilarious. After being rejected by Nick Heidfeld, he managed to land a brief interview... with Nelsinho Piquet. :) It was quality lolz.

3. Jarno Trulli's antics on the podium and in the press conference.












I was truly bemused (ha, pun!) by Trulli. He got really intense. What was going on with all that punching? And the weird faces in the press conference? Mysterious, yes. And highly entertaining.

2. Peter Windsor refusal to see reason.

Kubica's decision to tangle with Sebastian Vettel ultimately ended with a three-wheeled Red Bull which actually ran fairly well under the circumstances. However, as Red Bull limped along, one of the Speed crew pointed out that Vettel was still running in the points. David Hobbs astutely pointed out that he could be black-flagged at any second for safety reasons. Peter Windsor, however, did not seem to see a problem with this situation, insisting that Vettel could still continue. To which Steve Machett exasperatedly said, "Peter!"

1. Nothing is hotter than Bob Varsha's vocabulary.

OMG, I love Bob Varsha's vocabulary. It gets me every time. As Speed cut to a frame of Giancarlo Fisichella tailing Adrian Sutil, Bob Varsha remarked "There's a brace of Force India." In case you aren't sure why this is delightful, click here and refer to definition 10.

As happy as these people have made me, there are some people who are definitely not in my good graces at present:

First off, Kubica. Although you probably won't remember, I once wrote a post in which a set of disembodied arms slapped up Fernando Alonso for eying Felipe Massa's race seat. Well, as we speak the same set of limbs is descending on Robert Kubica and the right hand is absolutely shaking an index finger vigorously under his nose. Robert Kubica, what were you thinking! You absolutely took out Sebastian Vettel, poor boy, and you've terribly upset him! So you march down to Red Bull this instant and apologize! Go!

This is the problem that I've seemed to have developed with Kubica as of late. I'm finding him to be overly agressive. It's just like when he almost took out Lewis Hamilton while fighting with him in Brazil last season even though he was a lap down. I most definitely didn't have a problem with it at the time (for obvious reasons), but he's got to monitor that ruthless behavior. I also hear that he's rather curt with his engineers.. Hmm..

As much as it pains me to say it, Kimi, you're also in the doghouse. Watching Raikkonen put the car into the wall brought back a vignette of several unpleasant flash-backs from last season. It really puts me in a tough position. I really love Kimi. I'll never forget the 2007 season. He's largely responsible for my decision to invest in F1 (spare time, not cash, although I would totally sponsor Brawn just to put something else on that bare car!). However, if he has another season like last year in which he just seems not to give a damn, I won't hesitate to start looking forward to Alonso.. It'll make me really sad, but it is something I will do.

At the end of it all, once again, Brawn GP, I commend you. Just know that we will race you again Ross Brawn, and we will beat you!

Some Thoughts (The Shocking Edition)

1. I said it last time, and I'm going to say it once more with emphasis. Fuck diffusers. Yeah, that's right, fuck them. And fuck that ridiculous term "The Diffuser Three." I absolutely refuse to use it.

2. I still believe in my team. It's been a pretty grim start to the season, but qualifying and practice, well, they're different than a race. I have no choice but be to be confident and trust Ferrari. I know we're going to get through this. They'll change, or we'll adapt.

3. If I'm going to support a Brawn car, it'll be Rubens Barichello. I think he deserves this. And I think that I hold a grudge against Jenson Button, but at present I can't remember what it is. I'll have to go back through my blog and check it out.

4. Fernando Alonso's wife is at Australia! And she has a cute new haircut! Why don't we see more of her? I'm so sick of always seeing press on Nicole Scherzinger!
























5. As much as I am depressed by the situation, this did make me chuckle:















6. This could make for a very interesting season. Not because of the Brawnsaga, but because I predict myself having to reevaluate Lewis Hamilton and McLaren. I'm feeling kind of bad for them. It must suck to be defending World Champion and running nowhere near the front. I mean, even when Kimi was having troubles last year, he was still finishing in the points. I'm curious as to how Lewis is going to handle this situation and what he'll do when he's not in a good car.. Based on this, I might have to alter my opinion on him.

Gasp, am I going to bury the hatchet with Lewis Hamilton and McLaren like I did for Fernando Alonso!? (LOST sound effects here)

NB: If you were confused, that last part was the shocking bit.

Ah, nothing like pre-race blasphemy.

Lord, grant me the coolness of Kimi Raikkonen,
the sportsmanship of Felipe Massa,
and a setup that makes a difference.

Forza Ferrari, amen.

Obviously this is the best way for me to get my paper done..

Some Thoughts

1. First, shut the fuck up about Ferrari's performance in Prac 2. Shit happens and I'm pretty sure we just set the car up wrong for conditions. This is obvious. Don't you try to tell me that they've somehow become "inconsistent" over the span of two hours when they've been great through the winter. You're just trying to start drama. Shame on you.

2. I think Rubens Barichello is going to pwn Jensen Button hardcore this season. I have been saying this forever. Everyone keeps trying to tell me that Button is so much better. He's not.

3. Adrian Sutil is a great driver and I would like to see him get in a good car. He has a lot of passion. That being said, "passion" is based on a lot of different things. And whereas Felipe Massa is passion, not everyone who's passionate is Felipe Massa.

4. McLaren is most definitely fail. Now is one of those times when I will temporarily put aside all my distain for Lewis Hamilton, because really right now he is desperately in need of hugs time. When McLaren runs 17th and 18th in a practice and the 18th car is not Kovalainen, I imagine it hurts a certain World Champion. So while I don't like Lewis Hamilton, he can pick up a friendly embrace in Minnesota, should he be around in the next hour or so.

5. Fuck diffusers.

6. I think I am out of both Jolly Ranchers and vodka. I need to stock up!

We're getting close!

First practice in 9 hours and 49 minutes! EEeeee! Just looked at some of the pics on Formula1.com and I think James Allen is right: perhaps Kimi has switched to Proactiv. :) Now I'm off to class in Ferrari red. :)

Interobang!?

Where the fuck is Andrew Davies?! It has been brought to my attention that Andrew Davies did not author the Team-Mate Wars Predictions article that appeared on PF1 today. This distresses me greatly. I adore Andrew Davies. He is a god in my mind. His biting wit is unrivaled; his analogies are golden. I esteem only Bob Varsha's vocabulary above that of Andrew Davies. So bring him the fuck back! I don't want Frank Hopkinson!

Interobang!?!?

Kimi for Champion

It's time for me to have my first dilemma of the season. That's right, which of my drivers am I going to back?

I do this every year. I pick one driver who I stand behind. Then I stand in front of my TV the whole season and shout encouraging things at them and act supportive. This tradition began in 2007 with Kimi Raikkonen. It's true, I really had no idea who was in July of 2007. I just knew that people were saying he was under-performing so badly that there was talk of bringing back Michael Schumacher. I really didn't know who he was either. However, somehow I decided that Kimi Raikkonen should get a chance, dammit and began to support him in all his endeavors. Not unlike how Felipe Massa supports Joe in all of his..























Last year I threw all my supportive efforts behind Felipe Massa, because I felt that Kimi would obviously be able to handle himself after having won the WDC. Well, I was wrong, which is why I'll probably have to stand behind Raikkonen this year again.

Who do I think will be top dog this year at Ferrari? Mm, probably Kimi. Yeah, Kimi for champion.

Acne, Asshats, and the Brawnsaga

It all starts tomorrow. The 2009 season. And I can't wait. I need something to break the monotony of testing and the off-season! A lot of you are going to disagree with me. You'll tell me that the KERS development was so exciting, that all the new technical regulations are just too cool, and that the Brawn GP drama has been lifechanging for you. Ah, okay, yeah, well, that actually was pretty cool, lol.* I've learned from experience that once you miss reporting something big, it's impossible to go back and provide adequate coverage. Try summarizing the McLaren spy scandal and you'll see what I mean. Or try recording your impressions of your first grand prix a few months later. It just can't be done. Plus I'm sure you know all about it, how HONDA pulled their team from the grid when the pressure of the economy became unmanageable (wusses, all of them!) and several suspenseful months and possible buyers, Ross Brawn bought the team, christened it Brawn GP and brought it to testing with a respectable vehicle.

This whole mess is destined to become the national epic of Formula 1. India, you have the Mahabarta; the F1 community has the Brawnsaga. You could confuse it with mythology. It seems utterly improbable, as if it could never in a million years be real. But it is. Perhaps I should illustrate this tale of intrigue and try to relate it to you that way. I am already imagining Ross Brawn as a Herculean figure and the millions of ways I could illustrate Nick Fry (who is still loathsome in my eyes for his offenses against Super Aguri)..

Brawn is fast. Frighteningly fast. So says dear Felipe. However, Brawn's pace doesn't worry me. Mostly it's because we are Ferrari and we know how to build cars. I'm psyched that KERS has worked out so well for us. The first day that we ran it and nothing failed, god, I felt so good! Nothing feels quite so good as seeing your team perform. So no, I'm not going to lose much sleep thinking about how we stack up compared to Brawn. At least we are not McLaren..

For the first time in my history as an F1 fan, McLaren made me happy. This is largely because they gave me several opportunities to use the word "asshat," which is a word that has always made me chuckle. Let's run through some of the occasions, shall we?

1) McLaren tested poorly at Barca, then tried to tell us everything was fine. Asshats.
2) The next day, Martin Whitmarsh said, "Everything is fine. We have proven our pace." Yes, you certainly have - you've proven it's terrible. Asshats.
3) Lewis Hamilton says the next day, "Yeah, things are actually as bad as they look." Asshats!!

It does look like they've improved a little bit. I mean, they were faster in the last testing. Well, faster than Williams. Not terribly promising. Especially when Kaz Nakajima went faster than Kovalainen the next day..

Ah, all this blogging is making me feel so much better! I'll admit, I'm pretty ashamed with myself that I haven't been writing as much. Twelve posts so far this year is downright disgraceful. I've just felt in such a funk this winter. But that's all going to change in a few days time. Come Sunday there's going to be excitement again. Somewhere in the world where they get BBC coverage Fleetwood Mac's "The Chain" will play. Kimi Raikkonen will be on the grid with more motivation and less acne (information I have on good authority from James Allen)! Felipe Massa will be back and he will still be ageless and adorable! It should be a very good year..

Oh, details.

Happy birthday, Enzo Ferrari! Today you are 111! Also dead. Oh, details.

Because Germans Are Not Joking!

After receiving that very cordial invitation from my prof to visit him in Greece this summer, I've been doing a bit of research into the travel costs associated with that adventure. Wikipedia recommended I check out the "low-cost carrier" German Wings. I doubt I'll fly with them because I know I can find better prices on Easy Jet or Ryan Air. But I do love this:

Fabulous Friday!

Here in Minneapolis, it's been another fabulous Friday. Sure, it may have been Friday the 13th (hiss!, boo!, yada, yada, yada), but that doesn't mean there can't be fantastic news. Firstly, the sandstorms have abated and testing resumed today in Bahrain, where Kimi Raikkonen trumped the lap times both Toyota and BMW in the F60. Ferrari on top, well, it's not surprising. But...

We were using the KERS! And nothing went wrong!

Oh, I'm having one of those Scuderia moments where I feel deliriously giddy and perilously close to fainting. I feel like some glowing angel with Jesus-like features is flying me very quietly over a mountain range somewhere in Austria (Oh, wait, that's called the Christkind, my bad)! Except this is even better than Christmas!*

It's just such a relief. Frankly, I've been nervous about KERS. How could I not be, what, will all the news that we were terribly behind schedule/struggling during the past several months.

Oh, but all this gets better, because I just learned today that my favorite British driver (Ant Davidson, of course!!) is getting a commentator's position on BBC Radio 5! Yes, I would love to see him get back in a car, but as that's not possible at the moment, this really is the next best thing. He's quite concise. Kijk even over dit filmpje!



Doesn't it just make you feel good inside?!

*NB: Apparently in Austria Santa Claus doesn't exist, just some radiant, stealthy Jesus angel called the Christkind. Weird, huh? Who thought that up?

Kimi Raikkonen is just not that kind of Pokémon!

I was going through my profile pictures tonight on Facebook. Contrary to what you would expect, most of them are not, in fact, of me, but rather Kimi Raikkonen, Felipe Massa, the two of them together, or a fabulously sexy red car. Well, really, what did you expect?! Anyways, I stumbled across this in my album, and oh!, nothing takes me back more! I just love it!

Finding this also reminded me that I have not been consistently giving much love to Kimi Raikkonen. Yeah, a lot of this is probably linked to Felipe Massa's polarizing cuteness (and genuine skill behind the wheel!) easily eclipsing the Can't-Be-Bothered Raikkonen of 2008 in my mind. There were more than a few times last season that I would gladly have punched Kimi Raikkonen several times in the gut, had I been within swinging distance. Nonetheless, this revelation has left me much chagrined. At this point in time, I want nothing more than for Kimi to go out in Australia and trounce everyone (except for Felipe Massa, who I love dearly, and Sébastien Bourdais, because he seems a bit vulnerable at present). Essentially, I want him to do well so everyone stops saying he's shit, because frankly he's not. I had this conversation with my roommate the other day in which I voiced these outrages and concerns over Raikkonen's 2009 form. His reply follows.

It's like, 'Oh, Shitty Raikkonen's coming around again! Oh, here he comes. What a Slowbro!'

LOL all you like, but Kimi Raikkonen is just not that kind of Pokémon!

Also, it's smiling a bit too much.

Message of the Day - This Blog

Would you like to read some blog posts.

I think they are written in a disjointed style.

But I thought they were funny.

So I am sharing them with you.

I would recommend reading the Message of the Day Posts..

A Matter of Great Scientific Importance.

This is very interesting. Do read on.

Well, it's a simple solution..

I Google a lot. I don't know if you were aware of this. Yes, I've Googled myself (no, there wasn't anything interesting). Yes, I've Googled my profs and coworkers (I found Stefano's wedding pics and my German teacher's Facebook page!). However, I also like to Google ways to make myself better.

Tonight, my query was, "Google, tell me 'how to be more personable and confident'." And what do they show me?

"Ronaldo confident of more personal awards this season"

Well, I guess the simple solution is to be Ronaldo..

No, in the good way!

So it's like this:

The Austrians have invaded and are teaching my courses. They are both from Graz. One says "ja" a lot. The other looks like you put Heikki Kovalainen and Kimi Raikkonen in a blender, then arbitrarily put them back together with a hot glue gun and some pomade. In the really good way, though! I know it doesn't sound possible, but yeah, that's just how it is.

I hate when I come across things like this! It's my Normande coming out..

On the train back, that wrong thing happened. The French are funny about the way they do public transportation. I’ve said a million times that it’s great and reliable, but they still don’t make much sense in how they do things. For example, we bought tickets that said “sit where you want” – which we did. But other people bought tickets that said “sit in seat X”. So naturally, every seat we sat in really belonged to someone else.

The French aren't "funny" about things. I mean, there is some sort of system. You sit where you want, provided it's not reserved! All you have to do is look at the little tags above the seat! Is it really that difficult? Stupid Americans..

It's not a tribute. I just want everyone to know he was a great guy.

He sent me this once, among other things. I'll miss Nathan Melis talkin' here.

My Anthem


Love hides in the open world
on bright winter afternoons.

We call it blind
but just as soon find Love
drew our portrait
years before we met.

How do I greet you, Love?
There is no salutation, smile, kiss, hug
equal to the thin glove
you hold out for truth alone.

Yet if Love is stone
thought, movement, language, emotion, age
grow brittle as teeth.
Let Love leaf
organic and strange
from shady flexible branches.

Love dances on its own grave -
a common image -
but even Art must have the courage
to be sentimental.

ONE YEAR AGO, HISTORY WAS MADE!

Today, January 10th, is the SCRUTINEERING'S ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY.

And we are damn pleased with ourselves!

FORZA FABIO!

"This is Top Chef, it's not Top Scallops!" Ah, Fabio, a man after my own heart!