Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Shortest post ever?

Good Lord, my Mac Dino is fantastic! That is all.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Where is a child when I need one?

It's never too early to start training your child to drive a race car. However, you must have kids first. Damn, where is my kid when I them?!

12v Battery Operated F1 Grand Prix Ride On Racing Car
- Max speed 1st gear 2.5mph
- Max speed 2nd gear 5mph
- 2 Forward and a Reverse Gear
- Accelerator and Break Pedals
- Max driver weight 40Kg
- Powered by Hi-Tech Electric Motors Engine sound Hi Revving Racing Engine
- Powered by 1x12 volt motor
- 1x12 volt/Ah rechargeable Batteries from Plug In Wall Charger.
- Overall Length 135cm.
- IC sound with lights
- With FM Radio Fitted
- Rechargeable battery with adaptor

The F1 Racer is the "State of the Art" driving machine that will "Teach Kids How To Drive Well"!

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Do the right thing, stewards!

Please, please, don't take Felipe Massa's win! It wasn't even his fault! Today he was perfect. Keep him #1.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

I'm not caving! It's just really hard to stop liking Kimi Raikkonen!

Yeah, I know I said I said there would be no regular-type adoration of Kimi Raikkonen until he started exercising his full potential again. But I had this really good picture of him...

Good news, EXCELLENT news, Valencia news!

Have you been pining for my blog?! Have you bemoaned the dearth of quality F1 news coverage?! Did you miss my witty banter!? Most likely not, but it would make me feel really important if you would pretend to! What has attributed to the lack of posts? Approximately 75% of it has been down to my own forgetfulness (I left my computer at my parents' house in Duluth) with about 25% resulting from the untimely death of my three-and-a-half year old and much-beloved SONY Vaio, Enzo. This brings us to the first bit of good news. As a computer is absolutely essential to Scrutineering's existence (and, okay, also to my continued academic excellence), it was necessary to purchase a replacement... Enter Dino, my new Mac Book! Welcome to a new era in Scrutineering's history!

That may have been good, but I can do you one better. Prepare yourself for:


That's right, folks, F1 is back! No more listening to me ramble on about Michael Phelps and my dog anymore, I have racing news to report on! The Grand Prix of Europe in Valencia is just hours away and OMG, I am excited! More excited than when Jarno Trulli got a haircut and Andrew Davies called Lewis Hamilton a slut combined! Why am I so ebullient? Well, for starters, I'm at my grandparents' house and they've got SPEED. God, if only I had SPEED! Think how relaxed I'd be.. Tomorrow, rather than fiddling with finicky TVU Player (an activity which usually ends with tears of defeat and me missing the Grand Prix), I'll simply switch on the television and bzzt!, I'll instantly be watching my favorite pilots tear around world's homeliest street circuit!

Yes, I said "homely". As a track, Valencia looks challenging with twenty-five turns, and an average speed of 125 mph. But although it looks neat, it's not so snazzy in appearance. Lots of concrete, lots of gray. Which is a pity, because apparently Valencia is a moderately attractive port city.

It's true, Valencia's no Monaco. But I could care less about aesthetics at present. I'm focused on something of far greater importance: Ferrari looks strong at Valencia so far and Massa snagged pole! Behold his onboard!

With Massa on pole and Raikkonen starting fourth, there's a definite possibility of a 1-2 finish; a chance to pick up a much-needed victory and a whole mess of points. Provided we play our cards right, that is, and don't do anything stupid or breeze around noncommittally (that means you, Kimi; you'll get nothing but tough love on this blog from now on until you get your act together, mister!!).. In theory, this track should suit Ferrari well. The weather's hot, which is great for our tyres and we tend to perform well on low to medium downforce tracks. I need a win so bad. Especially after Hungary. I may have shed a few tears over Felipe's DNF in Hungary. Okay, I did cry, but not that much! You guys know how much I love Felipe Massa(In case you didn't, the answer is "lots")!

It seems there'll be plenty of opportunity for surprises at Valencia, as it's a new circuit. The playing field is potentially more level, since everyone's starting fresh. Hooray, Toro Rosso, for performing particularly well! Sebastian Vettel grabbed top spot in P1 and both drivers made it into Q3, which is good news for Sebastien Bourdais whose season thus far has been less than impressive.

I'm confident this weekend, but in Ferrari fashion, I'm keeping my feet on the ground. Also I have a gigantic bag of Jolly Ranchers - 3.75 lbs to be exact. Time to bring that tradition back. Believe what you will, but I really think it helped us get results. I guess we'll just see how it goes. See you bright and early!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Raikkonen rubbing off on Massa?

What can we learn about Valencia from Felipe Massa?

I think it is pretty impressive, interesting. I think it is a pretty different
track than we are used to having on the calendar. You can have maybe some
corners which seem to be like Monaco but some very different corners, very long
straights which even can be similar to Bahrain for example. I think it is very nice. It will be very, very dirty tomorrow because you can see that the asphalt is very, very slippery and dirty but I think it will be ok. I think it will be nice. I like the city, very nice, so hopefully we can have a nice race for us but also for the people.

It's as if halfway through he thought, "Wait, I should be more like Kimi!" and commenced with being as redundant as humanly possible.. However, at least his assessment of Valencia is positive and I'm looking forward to seeing him navigate this nice, but "very, very dirty" track.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Things You Didn't Know About My Dog

You may have met my family's dog, Paco. If you've not met him, you've probably still been able to guess that he's a chihuahua. No, he's not an ankle-biter, but he does have a bit of a temper, i.e. he loves to growl and snap and freak out 23.75/7. I would say "24/7," but one of Paco's passions is jumping all over you, slobbering and screeching for about fifteen minutes until he decides he actually doesn't want to be your friend anymore and tries to bite your hand when you reach down to pet him.

There are, however, a few things Paco hates. I don't know why I'm writing any of this. Again, I'm waiting for F1 to come back. Anyways, back to my dog's dislikes:

1. Being called "Princess Paco."

Seriously, he knows what you're saying. And he gets uber-pissed if you try to put him in any pink dog clothes.

2. "Foursday."

Paco hates "Foursday" more than anything else in the world. What's is it, you may ask? Foursday is a day I made up one day when I was mad at the dog. As in "Paco, will you knock it off?! I barely ever see you and I'm leaving forever on Foursday!" It was a slip of the tongue, but when you say "Foursday," Paco starts shaking. Then he starts crying (real tears). Then he goes to my mom and curls up in a ball on her feet and looks morose until someone assures him that Foursday doesn't exist. It may be the saddest thing ever.

Similarities: I sees them...

It's not that I don't like Michael Phelps... but I find him a little bit scary. Observe:

Terrifying, huh?

This next one is a little scarier:

While it may not frighten you, honestly, from now on, every time I see Phelps dive, I am going to think of this monster terrorizing Seoul...

Similarities: I sees them. Oh, and also, the Olympics are about more than him. That is all.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Victory is Indeed Mine!

Just thought you all would like to know that I got a B- in GEOG 3371W Cities, Citizens, and Communities. Schok! Yeah, it did drop my GPA, but, wow, way better than expected.

Not gonna lie, I'm feelin' a little smug right now.. :)


I've been having more "I miss France" moments lately. Why is this? Please weigh in.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Up-to-Date Waffle Race Report

Every once and a while F1 coverage flat-lines for a day or so. Habitually, there's little to no news over the weekend when all motorsport journalists [save myself] are indulging in a few well-deserved days of rest. But every few months there'll be a puzzling dead-spot mid-week. In these situations, the dearth of news is both distressing and maddening. I'll sit online, navigating idly between Autosport, PlanetF1, and Pitpass until I finally have to concede that there is/will be no breaking news and I'll have to go do something productive.

Unfortunately, one of those dead-spots is occuring right now, as the F1 community is on a three-week-long "break" to fiddle with their cars before the European Grand Prix. And unless you want me to post more pictures of Mark Webber's glum face (below) and hear him theorize on exactly how KERS could kill, I have nothing of importance to report on. However, I can give you by-the-minute coverage of the Waffle Extravaganza.

I am in the midst of Waffle Extravaganza (or Waffle Food Orgy, if you prefer) at my sister's house. Jenny and Ben got a waffle iron for a wedding present. It's very nice and it's also non-stick, which is a lucky thing since my sister is doing a poor job at making waffles. Or a particularly spectacular job at malforming them. Maybe that is nicer.

12:52: Jenny has just informed me that she has actually made a waffle and it looks good. I may have to go check this out, so hold on a second.

12:54: Okay, I have looked and it does look good, but I think she made another mistake because she just said, "I can't make waffles anymore!" and Ben has told me to "blog her." To be precise, she has put in toop much batter and overflowed the griddle.

1:00: Jenny has made another waffle. It's in the oven and she's very proud of it. So proud that she has sent a picture text to my younger brother, who is currently in Indiana.

1:06: As the waffle situation is under control, my brother (Sever) and Ben are assessing an AK-47 in the kitchen. Yes, it is real; no, it is not loaded. And we are adhering to the strictest gun safety practices, so don't freak out.

1:08: Jenny has three waffles. This has only taken half an hour. I want to know when Jenny is going to attempt to make mimosas.

1:09/12:09: I have discovered the desktop clock I have been using is exactly one hour fast. Oh, rats.

12:12: I am now holding the AK-47. There are absolutely no bullets for the AK-47 in the house.

I was in charge of buying champagne for the mimosas. I have concluded that I have vastly underestimated the power of advertising and product placement. Last night at Cash-Wise (inarguably the worst liquor store in the Twin Ports - who doesn't sell cider?!), I automatically grabbed a bottle of Martini and Rossi:

Jenny: "Why are you buying that one?"
Me: "Well, because they sponsor Ferrari."
Fact: I also bought it because their label is pretty.

Friday, August 8, 2008

If you don't want to listen to me rant bitterly, do not read this post, kthnxbai

You know what sucks? Yeah, that would be not having a job. Just over a month ago, I quit Caribou. I always get really excited when I leave Caribou because all of a sudden I feel so free! And everyone who has been nagging me to leave finally stops nagging me.

However, eventually I do start feeling poor. It's irritating to not make money. I hate seeing my savings dwindle because I'm not replenishing. You all are probably saying, "So find another job." Well, I'm working on it! But things get in the way. For starters, there's my schedule.

I, as a rule, have a larger credit load than the ordinary college student. So I really have no time for lengthy shifts during the middle of the day. I need something that I can work in the evenings. That's why Caribou was so great: I could close the store! Pretty much all on-campus jobs are closed to me. No, I don't want to work food service. Sorry, guys.

Also, it's really irritating that people keep telling me to do something like work at Subway. Why is that any different than Caribou? I will most likely dislike having to put up with people just as much, but I will make LESS. I was doing pretty well, wage-wise. I may have disliked my job occasionally, but I didn't hate it. I hated it a lot less than being unemployed.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

No, I do not want to pimp out the F2007!

Do you remember that Facebook application Petrolhead? I remember it fondly. It was one of those applications where you "raced" people to get points and buy better faster cars with the goal of someday attaining "Need to Get Out More" status. I say "raced" because all you did was click a button and the odds of chance decided who came out the winner. Well, anyways, they're revamping the application. I got an email about it. Apparently with the new Petrolhead, I can

"- Pimp out [my] car with decals, rims, backgrounds, and a new paint job"

What's wrong with this? Well, my current car is the F2007. And trying to do any of those things my pixelated Ferrari, well, it's unconscionable! Especially a new paint job...

ATTN: Lifetime Ban

Have you ever worked at or visited the Miller Hill Mall in Duluth, MN? Have you ever seen a creepy janitor lumbering around? Have you ever witnessed him order/had to serve him tea at Caribou Coffee or accidentally stumbled into a conversation with him about dogs, cow magnets, or another equally terrifying subject?

If you have seen or done any of these things, you have met Jonas.

This is not Jonas. In fact, it is George Clooney in Duluth. However, this is what comes up when you search "jonas janitor duluth" on Google. Let me be very clear: Jonas is nothing like George Clooney. He is irritable and frightening and he may or may not have been trying to stalk one of my coworkers when I worked at the Caribou in the mall. All I know is that he was banned from our kiosk. Which, in truth, was a relief, as he was a particularly difficult customer and had a decidedly disconcerting personality.

I am not the only one to have had these difficulties. My sister has had similarly trying experiences with Jonas at the coffee shop where she works, minus the ban (although from what I hear, he almost received one, as a result of being exceedingly rude to her). However, one day Jenny happened to hear a certain discussion between Jonas and one of her fellow employees. Her relation of said conversation to me went something like this:

Jenny: "Jonas, he likes F1! And, yeah, he likes that guy you like! The one you always talk about!"
Me (properly horrified): "What, Kimi Raikkonen?"
J: "Yeah, and that other guy!"
M: "Massa?"
J: "NOooo! (lots of giggling - you guys have to understand that giggling hysterically is what my sister always does, so you should just imagine her giggling through this whole thing). That other guy!!"
M: "Um... (trying to think of other people) Is it Lewis Hamilton? "
J: "NOOOOO! It's that one guy! The famous one!"

This qualifier "famous" is not very helpful. After I throw out the name of every driver who is racing or has raced in the near or distant past, I finally guess Michael Schumacher. It took me forever to ascertain this. Yes, Michael Schumacher is "that one (famous) guy!"

So I'm fairly horrified that Jonas likes my team (trust me, you would be horrified, too). In response to this startling revelation, Jenny and I made an executive decision:

If you see a guy lurking around my blog who looks nothing like George Clooney and likes cow magnets, please contact the proper authorities. Because I hereby put a ban on you, Jonas! A lifetime ban on your use of my blog! Serves you right for being rude to me about Peppermint tea!

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Things You Didn't Know About Jaques Villeneuve (Part 1)

Did you know Jacques Villeneuve is really a pop star? Oh, God, no!

Unfortunately, this is not a joke. Have a look at this:

If you are interested in hearing more of Jacques' music (or want to laugh until you cry, as I have just done), visit his official MySpace page.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Poll #8: Contracts and Schtuf: Nelson Piquet Jr!

What's gonna happen to Nelsinho?
Will be retained by Renault
Will be cut by Flav, but given a drive by another team
Will return to role as Renault tester
Will be gifted a testing position with another squad
Will wash out of F1 free polls

Poll #7: Contracts and Schtuf: Fernando Alonso

Fernando Alonso: Where will he drive next year?
Other team
Don't give a damn free polls

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Hooray, Andrew Davies! ("My Hero!" Edition)

Most interesting moment of the race was actually watching Raikkonen and Kovalainen interacting in the lobby to the podium - two Finns in first and third. (That was certainly going to be on the Helsinki Tonight news programme.) Would they throw their arms round each other the way Felipe and Lewis did? Or Lewis and Nico did (Lewis is such a slut)?

OMG, Andrew Davies, I am absolutely infatuated with you and your unabashed awesomeness!